What No One Says

I am slowly learning that there are a lot of things new moms feel but no one says out loud. It could be due to wanting to make a good impression on the in-laws and others, not wanting to scare other potential moms, wanting maintain a (false) semblance of control, not wanting to hassle other people for a helping hand, wanting to figure things out for ourselves, not wanting to vocalize our fears thereby making it more real... and probably the second biggest reason of all: knowing that admitting these things will cause other moms to gloat in a silent, passive-aggressive manifestation of competition. Yes, this is another truth no one says - rightly or wrongly, all moms are in competition with everyone, most especially other moms.


As I myself want to save face (as a result of my Chinese heritage), let me list only the watered down version of some home truths I learned these last four weeks of new mommy-hood:

- It is possible to fall in love with your child at first sight. It is ALSO possible to fall into a love-hate relationship with everything else.

- Midwives/doctors are there to help you. They are also there to drive you crazy.

- No one will drive you more crazy that your spouse/partner/supposedly better half.

- Okay, maybe your baby will drive you crazier - but at least he/she is cute and is so defenseless you know they do not mean to do it.

- Families are there to help, encourage and support you... it is up to you to let them know where exactly these efforts should be focused.

- Never leave a window open when you are (un)successfully trying to calm your baby down. The world and their brother can peer in and their tsk-tsking will make you mutter swear words under your breath.

- Cry and the world cries with you. This is true if your baby is crying, not when you are.

- A good partnership is based on communication and trust. You should trust that your partner should know when you are not in the mood to talk.

- Nappies are absorbent but only to a certain degree.

- When changing nappies, do so with military precision. Get the new nappy ready before you remove the old one. Sudden gushes can then be caught and contained.

- Invest in a good rocking chair, but make sure it is not too deep to slide your butt out of when you are about to put your baby down in his/her cot. Tush burns when you have just given birth are a no-no.

- Two words: BIO-OIL.

- Babies cry for different reasons, but they do not necessarily cry differently for different reasons. Figuring out their distress signal is trying to troubleshoot problems existing on a five-year old shared office printer.

- Babies can make you forget everything: the pain it caused you to give birth to them, the nine months of lugging extra weight around, the laundry, the dog, the trash...

- When in doubt, refer to What to Expect in the First Year. For home-grown truthful experience, refer to Mumsnet.com.

- Motherhood is not always pretty in the way Angelina Jolie is - she has a S.W.A.T. (Stop and Waylay Any Toddler) team at her beck and call. Us normal people DO NOT.

I could go on and on, but let me leave you with this thought (yes, before I forget). I mentioned the second biggest reason why no new mom would like to admit the above, or anything remotely close or more major that the above; now let me mention the biggest: no one says these things out loud because they drown out their fears, complaints and frustrations with hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that one day the baby will settle down/behave/do what it says in the book. Hope that through all the trials and tribulations, the laughter and fun times will emerge triumphant. Hope that some day, one day, we will become better moms and our children will grow up to be stronger than we ever could.