No One to Hold You

Your face bloody, your head bandaged, your arms reaching out for someone, anyone to hold you as you cried out in pain and fear. You were just four years old. Just a child. 

You came into this world, probably also crying and screaming. A pair of hands brought you into this world, and another pair of hands probably wiped you down and cleaned you. Hands that cared probably handed you to your mother and father. They probably held you as they laughed and cried. In that moment your cries probably subsided, and for the first time in your life, you felt the touch of love.

You turned a year old, probably to the great joy of your family and their friends. You were probably a very beautiful baby, growing some teeth, maybe saying a few words and taking your first few steps. Someone probably held onto you as you wobbled your way to and fro the rooms of your house, to and fro the inside and outside of your front door. What care your family took to make sure each step of yours was sure and steady, how careful were they to hold you as you made your way further into this life?

Another year passed, and you probably turned two with less fanfare than the year previously, but still with much joy and celebration. You probably started exhibiting your own personality, you started having favourite songs, stories and books. Maybe you started becoming more aware of the different emotions you feel and what was felt by those around you. You probably started reaching out more and steadying yourself on others rather than relying on others to steady you. You probably enjoyed giving hugs and being hugged in return.

You grew up a little bit more, and at three years old you were probably a little lady. You liked playing with your dolls, but you also enjoyed pretending to be more grown up as you sat with your mother and her friends, as you played with your other cousins or friends. You probably enjoyed using your hands to make something pretty from the ordinary, and you probably found pleasure in giving people little gifts that you made yourself. You probably started playing tag, hide and seek, and other games that encouraged running around and/or screaming with glee at the top of your lungs. You were probably sad when your parents told you it was time to go home, but you were not sad to hold their hand as they led you away.

And now you are gone. Shot as a result of a war you were too young to be held responsible for; a war you ARE too young to have died for. I saw you on that hospital table, your face bloody, your head bandaged, your arms reaching out for someone, anyone.

You were just four years old. You were just a child. You had no one to hold you.  

Note: Rena was a four year-old girl who was killed by a sniper bullet in her own house in Aleppo, Syria. She was sitting on her mother's lap when a bullet came through a glass window, entered her cheek and continued to her throat. She cried out for her mother and was brought first to a government hospital as she struggled to breathe. She died after being brought to two more hospitals whose teams were unable to remove the sniper's bullet.  

To view the video and read a full account of her story, please go to: http://cnnpressroom.blogs.cnn.com/2012/09/04/cnn-exclusive-tragedy-in-aleppo/

I Was Smart at Thirteen

I recently came across an old high school publication that had two of my poems in it. I should clarify by saying that these "poems" read like a teen-ager's angst-filled diary, which was probably where I originally wrote it in. One of the poems was entitled, "Reflections and a Blueberry Cheesecake." In the poem I ask how much adventure and risk I am willing to add to my life, how much sweetness and flavouring I can bear to give up, vis a vis changing the recipe of the cheesecake I am trying to bake. WTF, right?

The funny, or not-so-funny thing, depending on your perspective, is that how I felt before, when I wrote that poem, is exactly like how I feel now, albeit in a form not as appetizing as a cheesecake, How much more am I willing to change, to give up, to start over, to sacrifice, etc. Suffice to say, if I am still asking the same questions, it remains that I do not know, and have never known, the answer. On the other hand, the questions take on a different depth when coupled with my current circumstance of trying to raise a family in an unfamiliar place. Things are not as light now, and the problems are no longer as innocent. I can remember a time (after I write the poem) when I was agonizing over school mid-terms, my vague and confusing love-life, and the fact that I lived with parents who did not want me to have a love-life.

These seem to pale in comparison to what I am going through now, because the consequences become greater and more over-reaching the older I get. Still, at that time, those issues weighed as heavily on my mind as my issues today. No one can carry a chip on their shoulder better than teen-agers, and I am not proud to say I was a heavy-weight in that category back then. Which surprised me all the more when I read the ending of the poem - it was lighthearted, optimistic, and utterly correct, based on more than twenty years worth of hindsight. If I am to break the cycle of always second-guessing, of seeing darkness where instead I should see a gap to fill with light, I guess I have to go back to those words written by thirteen year-old self:

"In the end (no matter the mixture and mistakes) the blueberry cheesecake is just a blueberry cheesecake whereas my life was something I could change."

Test Balloons

So I've recently decided to update my CV and see what the job market is like - again. For those of you who know I've set up my own business, don't worry. That is still a priority. This exercise is more like me sending test balloons up in the air and seeing if one will actually take flight - and me with it.

The thing is, my trip to Asia made me realize that I should not feel limited in one situation. There are a myriad of possibilities out there and I have to expose myself in order to see which ones are good for me, given where I am in life, and maybe take advantage of that. A lot of entrepreneurs will say to focus on one thing at a time, but in the same breath will tell you it is good to have a Plan B.

So, potential job applications aside, I have also decided to put some energy into my health and well-being. This involves *ahem* emailing local yoga and fitness studios to inquire about their classes and rates. While I did attend a local gym for a year, little to no progress was made by me on that end because, well, my heart wasn't in it. Call it laziness or a lack of self-discipline, but I just did not feel like taking care of myself at that time. Now, however, I look in the mirror and see things that could be (majorly) improved, and I realize how much energy I have compared to before. I have also lost some weight recently (by fluke or just not having enough time to eat) and would like to continue this momentum.

I guess these test balloons are really manifestations of me wanting to improve myself, from the outside in and from the inside out. It's about time.

Back to Us

One of the reasons why I haven't been touching base through this blog is because there has been so many things happening in my life lately. I have since started and stopped teaching Business English for local companies in Frankfurt, I have recently started my kids' clothing business, I have since done a LOT of sales calls and visits in PURE GERMAN and have gone back to Asia to make sure that something happens on the design and manufacturing side of things as well. I have also since become more involved in several local clubs for women and moms, and it has been great in terms of making new friendships and finding my feet in this country (Germany). It has been a whirlwind, and while there have been ups and downs, I have to admit that sometimes I do not have the luxury of time to think things through. I may have forgotten a bit of me in the process.

One of the things that has suffered in all this activity has been my writing. Some of my friends have been subjected (unfairly) to some drafts of mine for a story I wanted to tell. All of them have been very supportive and quite positive about the story, with one person even going above and beyond and correcting some parts of the writing :) You know who you are, thanks for taking that time. I will say a big sorry that I haven't continued writing, and I make a promise, right here right now, that I will write every free minute I get. Whether it be in this blog or in the draft for the story.

 I recently went back to Manila by way of Singapore, and one of the great things that happened to me during this trip was how I managed to reconnect with old friends. It was just me and Sophie, and we had a lot of flexibility in terms of hanging out, thanks in part to her being such a good girl with other people, but mostly thanks to friends who made it easy for me by caring for her like she was their own. I do have some of the best friends in the world. It was great touching base with friends I grew up with since I was an awkward pre-teen, to people I respected and worked with in university. It was cool to see how everyone has managed to make a good life for themselves, and while some people feel like they could have done more, achieved more, I say this: you are where you are meant to be, and your journey is still going on. It is the mantra I try to remember myself, when I think that everything has been lost and I have no chance of finding it again.

The trip back to Asia was a way to come back to me, even if it was for a little while. It gave me back the passion to write, the cackle in my laugh when I let loose and just hang with friends and, it gave me back the power to be me, to not be afraid of what brings me down and to instead to focus on what floats my boat, literally. I think everyone needs to have some time to break away from the routine of the every day and to spend time coming back to what makes us happy, so that we can come back to ourselves, so we CAN be ourselves again.

Top 25 Most Played

Someone once told me that the music you play in your iPod says a lot about what you like, and it is like an intimate look into your personality. The Top 25 Most Played is especially revealing, as it shows preference and moods, all in one list. I took a look at mine and burst out laughing, because while there is a lot of Beyonce in there, there are also some surprises:


1. Breathe Slow - Alesha Dixon
2. Crazy In Love - Beyoncé
3. Don't You Remember - Adele
4. Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore) - B.o.B
5. Price Tag - Jessie J Feat. B.o.B
6. Let the Sun Shine - Labrinth
7. Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
8. Irreplaceable - Beyoncé
9. Pass Out - Tinie Tempah
10. Life - Des'ree
11. Fireflies (UK Radio Edit) - Owl City
12. Diese Weg - Xavier Naidoo
13. No Regrets (Explicit Version) - Dappy
14. Geile Zeil - Juli
15. The A Team - Ed Sheeran
16. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
17. Run - Snow Patrol
18. Happy - Leona Lewis
19. F*ckin Perfect - Pink
20. Fix You - Coldplay
21. 99 Problems - Jay-Z
22. Chasing Pavements - Adele
23. I'll Be - Edwin McCaine
24. Read All About It (Feat Emeli Sande) - Professor Green
25. Gives You Hell - The All-American Rejects

Looking at this list is like looking down memory lane - I can actually recall (for most, not all songs) when I first heard the song or who recommended that I get it. So much of my musical taste is made up of my own preference, together with family and friends' influence, so it is actually nice to see that this part of me is made up of parts of different people too. It gives me comfort to know that even if everything is made up of matter, some of what makes up others' matter, matters to me.

So, for all those out there who are willing to bare a little piece of their soul - what's your top 25 most played songs? :)

Neruda Knows

Whenever I am at lost for words on how to describe what I am feeling, especially if the feelings have to do with love and the whole bag of rainbows and bones that come with it, I turn to Pablo, Pablo Neruda. He of the sharp wit and sharper words, he of the heartfelt, no-holes-barred, say-it-like-it-is word smith.

Tonight I do not look to the poem "Tonight I write the saddest lines..." because I am not sad, but proud, and I wanted to share this as it seems to capture my mood:

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

And this is how I feel -a relationship is not defined by what other people's standards are. Rather, it is based on love and respect. A true, once-in-a-lifetime connection can only exist if both parties reciprocate this, in any type of familial love, friendship or romantic connection.

Thank you Pablo, once again, for your words.

Tak Copenhagen!

Dear Copenhagen,

Thank you for a much needed respite from my "real" life.

Thank you for the food, from the gourmet to the comfort, from the never-ending but delicious courses to the surprisingly different take on normal food that looks and tastes good and has completely spoiled my taste buds for any other cuisine.

Thank you for your cheery people, your friendly people, your knowledgeable-about-art-but-not-snooty-about-it people, your well-dressed-but-down-to-earth people, your proud-but-in-a-good-way people, and your smiling-even-at-strangers people.

Thank you for your sunshine, for the colours it reflected against windows of even more colourful houses and buildings, for the smell of the fresh air when it is just lightly touched by daylight, for the knowledge that no matter how strong the wind blows there will always be a source of warmth.

Thank you for the memories, the smiles you brought to my face, the laughter you bubbled out of me more times than I can count, the wonder of learning something new from something so old, the give and take of it all.

Thank you for making me realize and remember what life can be like, thank you for making me feel again, thank you for making me cry.

Love,
Julie