Say hello to my little princess!
Monday, 9 May 2011
Saturday, 7 May 2011
The Weather in Faces
"I still notice every twitch of emotion in the faces around me, having learned as a child to read the weather in faces."
- Scott Russell Sanders (Under the Influence)
My German teacher told me last week that I was progressing nicely in class. When I asked her to give me specific points on which I am okay on and which ones I need to improve, she said: "You are fine in understanding because you listen well and try to read the context in addition to learning the words. But you need to improve in communicating so others can read you."
I`ve walked away from that conversation with a crease on my forehead (note to self, botox might be needed after this German course), not just because she said it all in German, but mostly because I thought I WAS communicating. I raise my hand in class, I answer even when I get cold-called on, and I partner up with anyone willing to be saddled with a hysterical beginner for all group assignments. What more SHOULD I be doing in terms of communication?
That night I looked through all my written work and saw that most of the time, I would write about my daughter or my husband or buying new furniture for the house. Of course there were more specific texts on "Why are you learning German" (answer: because I now live in Germany), "Where is your favourite place?" (answer: my daughter´s room), etc, but apart from these the personal glimpses into my life revolved around how cute I thought my daughter was, how funny my husband was and how frustrating furniture shopping is.
After reading all the entries and basically learning nothing new about myself after the first two paragraphs, I finally understood what my teacher was trying to tell me. One of the reasons why I could not use my newly learned vocabulary properly was because I tended to take the easy way out in all the written exercises, either out of laziness or being unwilling to share. The former is more realistic, although I cannot ignore the truth of the latter statement, ironic I know, considering I write this blog.
Still, the truth of the matter is, it is hard for me to share things that are hard for me to share (no, this is not a typo, it is a deliberate redundancy). My mother always berates me for writing about my personal feelings here, sharing it in two sentences on Facebook or posting pictures that are less than flattering. She thinks that if people see you as anything less than perfect, they will think less of you and gossip about you behind your back. My argument to that is, you can never please anyone perfectly, so might as well do what you think is right and will make you and those who matter happy. However, no matter how brave my words are to her, a part of me still holds the inner sanctum of my secrets back from everyone, even including myself at times. This has made it difficult for me to start writing full time even, because inevitably some of my personal life would make it onto the supposedly fictitious story I want to see published someday. Whenever I start one new story after another, I always reach a stopping point when I re-read what I wrote, cringe, and imagine my mom yelling at me for sharing too much.
So why do we hold ourselves back in our journey of self-discovery? Out of habit (I do tend to listen to my mom whether I like it or not)? Out of not wanting to know the problem and to have to think of a solution? Out of not wanting to see the look on others´faces when they know the absolute truth about us? Yes, all of the above, for me. There are times in my life when I feel that I have to put my best foot forward all the time, as if my entire life is one first job interview after another. While I feel I can let my hair down with close friends and (some) family, I still feel the need to clam up in every other situation.
Still, if it is holding me back from learning something, from doing something good for myself or others, then I guess it is time to make an exception and break the cycle. I have to find a balance between ridiculously over-sharing and being a wallflower in the party called life. Now, after getting out and doing, it´s time to admit to myself what it is I am doing, how I feel about it, and putting that into words and putting words to paper. So what if others don´t get it... the magic happens when some of them actually do. I should not be afraid of censure and instead accept and welcome constructive criticism. It´s time to be brave, because regardless of what the forecast may be on people´s faces, it´s time to start working on my life´s general climate change.
- Scott Russell Sanders (Under the Influence)
My German teacher told me last week that I was progressing nicely in class. When I asked her to give me specific points on which I am okay on and which ones I need to improve, she said: "You are fine in understanding because you listen well and try to read the context in addition to learning the words. But you need to improve in communicating so others can read you."
I`ve walked away from that conversation with a crease on my forehead (note to self, botox might be needed after this German course), not just because she said it all in German, but mostly because I thought I WAS communicating. I raise my hand in class, I answer even when I get cold-called on, and I partner up with anyone willing to be saddled with a hysterical beginner for all group assignments. What more SHOULD I be doing in terms of communication?
That night I looked through all my written work and saw that most of the time, I would write about my daughter or my husband or buying new furniture for the house. Of course there were more specific texts on "Why are you learning German" (answer: because I now live in Germany), "Where is your favourite place?" (answer: my daughter´s room), etc, but apart from these the personal glimpses into my life revolved around how cute I thought my daughter was, how funny my husband was and how frustrating furniture shopping is.
After reading all the entries and basically learning nothing new about myself after the first two paragraphs, I finally understood what my teacher was trying to tell me. One of the reasons why I could not use my newly learned vocabulary properly was because I tended to take the easy way out in all the written exercises, either out of laziness or being unwilling to share. The former is more realistic, although I cannot ignore the truth of the latter statement, ironic I know, considering I write this blog.
Still, the truth of the matter is, it is hard for me to share things that are hard for me to share (no, this is not a typo, it is a deliberate redundancy). My mother always berates me for writing about my personal feelings here, sharing it in two sentences on Facebook or posting pictures that are less than flattering. She thinks that if people see you as anything less than perfect, they will think less of you and gossip about you behind your back. My argument to that is, you can never please anyone perfectly, so might as well do what you think is right and will make you and those who matter happy. However, no matter how brave my words are to her, a part of me still holds the inner sanctum of my secrets back from everyone, even including myself at times. This has made it difficult for me to start writing full time even, because inevitably some of my personal life would make it onto the supposedly fictitious story I want to see published someday. Whenever I start one new story after another, I always reach a stopping point when I re-read what I wrote, cringe, and imagine my mom yelling at me for sharing too much.
So why do we hold ourselves back in our journey of self-discovery? Out of habit (I do tend to listen to my mom whether I like it or not)? Out of not wanting to know the problem and to have to think of a solution? Out of not wanting to see the look on others´faces when they know the absolute truth about us? Yes, all of the above, for me. There are times in my life when I feel that I have to put my best foot forward all the time, as if my entire life is one first job interview after another. While I feel I can let my hair down with close friends and (some) family, I still feel the need to clam up in every other situation.
Still, if it is holding me back from learning something, from doing something good for myself or others, then I guess it is time to make an exception and break the cycle. I have to find a balance between ridiculously over-sharing and being a wallflower in the party called life. Now, after getting out and doing, it´s time to admit to myself what it is I am doing, how I feel about it, and putting that into words and putting words to paper. So what if others don´t get it... the magic happens when some of them actually do. I should not be afraid of censure and instead accept and welcome constructive criticism. It´s time to be brave, because regardless of what the forecast may be on people´s faces, it´s time to start working on my life´s general climate change.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Still Want the Easy Way?
My first German course finished last Friday and, while I am feeling sad and nostalgic, I am happy I went through it and made a lot of good friends along the way. There´s nothing like facing a common challenge that binds strangers together in formal and informal language, in different adjective endings and double-connectors, ´til death do us part. We have had a lot of laughs in our little class, and I also ended up meeting some other fun people through the school. While I feel a sense of accomplishment in learning a new language, it is on par with the relief and excitement I feel in having new people to practice it with.
This is especially great for me because since I gave birth to Sophie, I feel like I´ve been living in a little family bubble, only occasionally heading out to meet and greet some family and friends. It was a comfortable - albeit too comfortable - lifestyle, and when we upped and moved to Germany, I was scared because I didn´t want the bubble to burst. I know that a lot of new moms feel the same way, that having a cosy routine in place can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, the last thing you want is to have to dress up for a night out with strangers after a long day of nappy changing, feeding, tantrums, etc. On the other hand, having only your baby, husband, and, if you´re lucky, other frustrated moms for company does make you wonder if you´ve lost that little bit of yourself and become a slave to routine.
When we were in London it was easier to go out because I would have friends basically pushing me out the door or coming over to visit (massive THANK YOU for not allowing me to turn into a couch potato). Work also helped me get out of bed everyday in spite of the juggling act that would take place during the day: baby, work, me, baby, baby, work, work, work, house, husband. Being forced to talk to other people, to email colleagues and issue reports, it really brought me out of my maternity leave comfort zone and forced me out into the "real world" again. Likewise, going to school, meeting new friends, doing homework... all to learn a new skill, made me realize the real world has more than its share of perks.
While everything good comes with a price, it is the hard work that you put into it that makes the good thing worth so much more. I´m glad I persevered and stuck to the lessons, that I allowed one teacher to talk me into staying in the advanced class. I guess since the birth I´ve wondered when I could finally take it easy, but the rewards I am getting out of this experience makes me question whether I will want anything "the easy way" ever again.
This is especially great for me because since I gave birth to Sophie, I feel like I´ve been living in a little family bubble, only occasionally heading out to meet and greet some family and friends. It was a comfortable - albeit too comfortable - lifestyle, and when we upped and moved to Germany, I was scared because I didn´t want the bubble to burst. I know that a lot of new moms feel the same way, that having a cosy routine in place can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, the last thing you want is to have to dress up for a night out with strangers after a long day of nappy changing, feeding, tantrums, etc. On the other hand, having only your baby, husband, and, if you´re lucky, other frustrated moms for company does make you wonder if you´ve lost that little bit of yourself and become a slave to routine.
When we were in London it was easier to go out because I would have friends basically pushing me out the door or coming over to visit (massive THANK YOU for not allowing me to turn into a couch potato). Work also helped me get out of bed everyday in spite of the juggling act that would take place during the day: baby, work, me, baby, baby, work, work, work, house, husband. Being forced to talk to other people, to email colleagues and issue reports, it really brought me out of my maternity leave comfort zone and forced me out into the "real world" again. Likewise, going to school, meeting new friends, doing homework... all to learn a new skill, made me realize the real world has more than its share of perks.
While everything good comes with a price, it is the hard work that you put into it that makes the good thing worth so much more. I´m glad I persevered and stuck to the lessons, that I allowed one teacher to talk me into staying in the advanced class. I guess since the birth I´ve wondered when I could finally take it easy, but the rewards I am getting out of this experience makes me question whether I will want anything "the easy way" ever again.
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