We just celebrated Sophie's first birthday today with a small dinner with family and friends. It was the first time I made three courses (inclusive of the chocolate birthday cake) for seven people, so while I was tired by the end of it, I was also quite happy to see my little girl so loved by those close to us. I did feel sad that my own family could not be with us today, and I am also weepy that my friends from back home aren't here as well. Still, they are with us through thoughts and prayers, and I am eager to read everyone's email messages for Sophie bear later.
If I think back to this same time last year, I can honestly say that I did not think I would make it one whole year into this child-caring business. For one thing, since Sophie popped out only at 10:35pm, I was too dazed and dog-tired to fully appreciate her birth. It was not until two hours later, when I was allowed to breastfeed her, that I realized I was no longer pregnant. It was not until 15 minutes after that, when she had fallen asleep on my chest, that I realized I was now a mother.
I remember feeling woozy enough to pass out but trying to remain still and strong so that I would not drop this tiny (well, she wasn't that tiny) bundle who relied so much on me. It hit me that I could no longer act the fool, that I could not longer be irresponsible, and that somehow, some way, I had to tone down my irreverence. In that hospital bed, behind the curtain separating me from three other new moms in the ward, I made a promise to Sophie and myself that I would try to be an adult from now on.
One year later, and, I have to admit, it wasn't and isn't easy to hold to that promise. For one thing, right off the bat, she kept me from a decent night's sleep for months on end. She also required round the clock feeding and, since I was breastfeeding, this in turn made me feel like a porn star since I always had to bare to feed her. Sophie also knew the meaning of irony from the age of one week... she would demand feeding, overfill her nappy, need attention, want to do things on her on, all at inopportune times. Still, any time she smiled (which she started doing at two months and the doctors and midwives all agreed it was not gas) was always the perfect time, and anytime she wanted to cuddle was always fine by me.
While I have been going through my own private roller-coaster, the ride with Sophie so far has been nothing short of breathtaking. She makes me laugh when she pretends to cough, when she licks me instead of kisses me, when she points at everything and calls all of God's creatures "duh". She makes me want to hug her when she hoots in disappointment, when she screeches when she is hungry, and when she laughs out loud when she finds something (a lot of things) funny. She also breaks my heart when she lies in bed beside me, holding her bottle with one hand and touching my ear with the other, while I read her a bedtime story.
Her trust in me (for now) is limitless, and I just hope I will always be worthy of that. Sometimes it is hard to be patient and remember that she makes mistakes instead of acts of malicious intent, but the one thing that I always remind myself was the promise I made to her one year ago today. Yes, to love her, yes to protect and support her, but, most of all, to be an adult when raising her and being there for her. Through sickness and health. Through toilet training, boyfriends and beyond.
Happy birthday my baby bear... and happy adult-day to me.
3 comments:
Happy birthday, alles Gute zum Geburtstag kleine Sophie! And happy adult day to you lafvidabs :)
BEAUTIFUL!!! ;) Congratulations dearest Julie - you're a GORGEOUS mommy and Sophie is one LUCKY one year old!! I wish we could see each other & introduce our gorgeous lil bubbas!! Can you believe we were BOTH pregnant when we last saw each other (I just didn't know it) and now here we are enjoying the wonders of motherhood! Such a precious time, isn't it? Well, although I haven't met her in person, I feel like I know her already by following your blog & facebook pix! She is going to be one heartbreaker!! One day we'll have to have a lil date with lil Jonah.. play date that is! ;) Sending biiiiiig hugs to you & your gorgeous gal! Mwah xx Elisa & Jonah xx
Hello Julie, Happy Birthday Sophie and hope all is well with you and family. This is a great touching piece you have written that really bring tears to my eyes. I am now going through the same, struggling with sleepless nights with Alyssa and fretting when she still cries after feeding and diap change and you are wondering what you have done wrong, waiting for those elusive first real smiles to appear and can't believe i managed to keep her alive for two months now considering I couldn't even do the same with a cactus. This "mommy" thing is too hard for words and friends with multiple kids tell me they wish they could say it gets easier but it ain't. But reading your piece is real encouraging dear, I am really happy for you and Sophie and thanks for recharging my energy bar for the endless 2 hourly feeds again! Take care gal!
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